1000 Ways to Die:Death Clock
by Dark Arcanine 33
Summary: Since the show is cancelled now, I decided that I would make up my own ways to die.


"Death is like clock, you never know when your time is up. We have a dealer whose ass is dragged, a slob who gets…rubbed out, a woman who shops…and then flops, a zookeeper who meets the king, a rock -n- roll hater who gets rocked out, two thieving dummies who steal the wrong box, and to wrap it up, a tour guide from hell who gets…logged off. It's nothing but carnage on this next episode-

"AAAHHH!"

"AAAAHHHHH!"

"NOOOOO!"

-of 1000 ways to die."

"WARNING: The deaths portrayed on this show are real and extremely graphic.

"Names have been changed to protect the identities of the deceased."

"Do not attempt to try ANY of the actions depicted."

"YOU WILL DIE!"

"Death…is everywhere. Most of us try to avoid it, others can't get out of its way. Every day we fight a new war against GERMS, TOXINS, INJURY, ILLNESS, and CATASTROPHE."

"There's a lot of ways to wind up dead. The fact that we survive at all is a miracle, because everyday we live, we face…**1000 WAYS TO DIE.**"

**000**

Date: October 24, 2001

Location: Dallas, TX

Does anyone know what a dealer is? It's a hack who spends their lives getting high. Meet Giovanni. "That'll be $50.00", said Giovanni as he handed a pack of cigarettes to a stranger.

Randall Stevens (Ex-stoner): Being a stoner means that you are smoking or selling weed, marijuana, and cannabis, plants that are taken from the parts of a hemp plant. These plants contain toxins that have a strange effect on the body, as it makes you happy and loving.

But oddly enough, that wasn't the case with Giovanni. He was an apple that fell from a douche tree. "Where's my money?" asked Giovanni angrily. "I forgot it", said a stranger. Giovanni punches him in the face. One day, Giovanni went to a truck driver to get his money from him. "Where's my money?" asked Giovanni. "I don't have my money, right no-", started the driver before pun a gun to his face."You better give me my goddamn money right now!" In an instant, the truck driver sped off, but Giovanni wasn't done. He jumped into the back of the truck and as the driver hit a bump, Giovanni fell, with his arms and legs bound to the truck."AAAAAHHHHHHHH!" screamed Giovanni as the driver sped up. Khyber Zaffarkhan: This gentleman must have felt intense pain as his butt was dragged across the asphalt. At such high speed, it would cause searing of the gluteus maximus, and down to his rectal cavity, casing death by massive bleeding.

Giovanni was a loser who tried hassling money with drugs. But little did he know, that if you use and sell blow…your life is sure to go.

**Way to Die #900**

**Ass-Fault**

**000**

Date: August 29, 1998

Location: Stamford, CT

Rock and roll has always been represented as a mode of entertainment for people all over the world, but some people, such as Rodolfo, don't feel that way. He thinks that people should make their own music instead of listening to what he calls black trash. Matt Prince (Rock and Roll Fan): Rock and Roll has been in the United States since the 1950s, and has entertained us ever since. It originated in the Southern part of the United States and has grown more and more popular over the years. To Rodolfo, anything made by African Americans is bad for the community. "How can people listen to this trash?" asked Rodolfo to himself. To prove his point about rock-n-roll, Rodolfo has bought 2 giant amplifiers, and a saxophone. "I'll show these people what real music is", said Rodolfo as he started to play his saxophone through his window, making sure that everyone hears his music."

"Turn off that trash!"

"That's awful!"

"Stop or I'll call the cops!"

Rodolfo didn't listen; instead, he turned his amps up to their highest setting. "Now, time for the finale!" said Rodolfo as he blew into his saxophone once more. The amplifiers, being on their highest setting, gave off a lot of intense sound waves, blasting Rodolfo out of his window, and down to the pavement below.

Khyber Zaffarkhan: This individual, who was standing right beside his window, playing this instrument, must have felt a lot of shock as he was blasted out of his window. The glass slashed his carotid artery, and the fall broke his ribs, stabbing his lungs and killing him.

Rodolfo was a prick who thought that rock-n-roll was bad. But when he tried his own music, he went from smooth jazz…to death metal.

**Way to Die # 62**

**Fool House Rocked**

"Coming up, a hoarder who gets heel, and a fat slob, whose wife gives him…the jitters"

**000**

Date: June 19, 2008

Location: Los Angeles, CA

(A woman with a creepy smile is seen)

This is Julie; she is a shopaholic who loves shoes…especially heels. "Jackpot", said Julie as she entered a shoe store. She will enter a store with only her purse, but will exit the store with 50. Susan Jeffries (Shopaholic): I absolutely love shopping; it is such a stress relief for me. I think that what I love most about shopping is just being able to get nice things that other people possibly can't. It's just fun that way. Another thing about Julie, she was a hoarder. She had nothing but heels in her house and the boxes to go with them. She had them in the living room…the closet…her bedroom…and even her kitchen. "That's perfect", said Julie as she added the new heels to her palace of heels. One day, when she was starting to leave for another shipment, she bumped into one of her boxes, creating an avalanche of heels and sharp edges to rain down upon her.

Dr. Boyd Flinders (Medical Examiner): This woman would've immediately been pinned under all of the boxes and shoes, one of which fractured her bones, but that's not what killed her. She died from asphyxiation, due to all of the boxes compressing on her chest.

Julie was a heel hoarder who thought that shoes were everything, but when you love something more than life itself…you might end up, dying for it.

**Way to Die #660**

**Heeled Over**

**000**

Date: November 15, 1987

Location: Portland, OR

Zoos are a great place for entertainment, fun, and joy for people…except for Milton. Milton was a zookeeper who was always slacking around. "Mister, can you help me find my mommy?" asked a little girl. "Find her yourself, I'm sleeping here", said Milton as he fell back asleep on a bench.

George Reams (Zookeeper): Zookeepers are workers who help keep the animals safe in their cages so they don't attack spectators. Sometimes, when we are on the job, they'll be some violence. I remember one time when the guy threw the other one down into the Tiger habitat, and the Tiger almost ripped the guy's face off.

While Milt was watching the hot beauties go by, he didn't notice his boss standing beside him. "MILTON, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SLACKING, YOU'RE FIRED!" yelled his boss as he walked away. "You'll regret firing me!" yelled Milton. Milton was going to make sure that not only his boss suffered, but all of the innocent citizens in the zoo, so he snuck into the lion's habitat, in hopes of setting it loose. "Almost got it", said Milton, not noticing the lion creeping up behind him. Milton turned around, and his fate was sealed. The lion attacked him and bit his neck, partially decapitating him as it devoured his body.

Jules Sylvester (Wildlife Expert): Lions have very powerful jaws, full of razor sharp teeth used for hunting. If it gets a lock on your neck, it'll puncture your carotid artery and jugular vein, and you'll bleed out. Once your dead *claps* Lunchtime!

Milton was a loser who always slacked off, but when the king disapproves, you'll end up…roaring with pain.

**Way to Die # 596**

**Lion Downed**

**000**

Date: September 30, 1989

Location: Mayfield, NY

Ugh, an ugly slob; who would care for this bag of lard? "Beron, will you please help me with the house today?" asked Kat, his wife.

Meet Beron or what I'd like to call him "Fatso".

"Go away, I'm watching TV", said Beron as he shooed his wife away.

Jarron Berry (Ex-Slob): Slobs were usually guys who do nothing but eat, watch TV, and sleep, without any regard for hygiene. Many people say that slobs are lazy, but they don't understand that's what guys are *laugh*

"Darren, all I'm asking for is for you to take a shower so we can do something together", said Kat. "So, you want me to turn off my TV and take a shower? You're crazy, I'm not going anywhere, but you can", said Beron. "That's it, I've had enough", said Kat as she exited their house.

Kat wasn't about to have her husband be lazy all of their lives. If he won't clean himself, she'd do it for him. She went to a nearby neighbor's yard and picked up a huge water gun, which was already full of a liquid. She went back to the house and opened the door."What're you doing with that?" asked Beron. "If you're not going to clean yourself, I'll do it for you", said Kat as she closed her eyes and started to spray. "NOO, NOOOO, NOOOO, AAAAHHHH!" Once Kat stopped and opened her eyes, she screamed in terror, Beron's body was completely burned. "AAAAHHHHHHH!" screamed Kat

How did that happen? Well, if you rewind a few hours earlier, you'd see that their neighbor was using hydrofluoric acid to get rid of weeds in her garden.

Dr. Boyd Flinders (Medical Examiner): Hydrofluoric acid is extremely toxic. If it gets ingested, it can burn your organs, and easily cook you from the inside out.

Beron was a slob who wouldn't do anything to save his life…but his wife gave him that option, and he wound up…rubbed out.

**Way to Die #406**

**Splat-tern**

"Coming up, two thieves who get blown, and a tour guide gets logged."

**000**

Date: April 15, 2001

Location: Benghazi, Libya

Habir and Ado were thieves who were famous by being criminals who were never caught. "Give me all your money", said Ado as he held a gun to a woman's head.

Jake Thresh (Ex-Con): Being a criminal is the worst thing you can ever do. People like that don't realize what goes on in those cells. We have rape, beatdown, and sometimes murder; I will never understand why people would do it.

One day, Ado and Habir were targeting their next heist, a post office. They saw a mail carrier go in with different packages. "Let's go", said Ado. "ALL OF YOU PUT YOUR HANDS UP!" yelled Habir as he pointed an AK-47 at the innocent people. Ado saw someone dial someone on the phone. "Habib, we need to get out of here!" yelled Ado, not wanting their record to be broken. "Alright", responded Habir as he picked up a box and left the post office. At their hideout, Ado and Habir started to open all of the objects they'd stolen over the years. "Oh, a sports jersey", said Habir excited. After opening everything else, the only box left was the one they stole that day "Alright, let's see what we have in this one", said Ado as he opened the box.

(Hideout explodes; severed head flies towards the screen)

"As it turns out, that box they stole from the post office was going to be sent to the U.S. to an explosives company, but the idiots who sent it, put the wires in wrong."

L.D. Johnson (Explosives Expert): Since the bomb was placed improperly, it was prone to explode as soon as someone opened it. The blast wave would've felt like 20 tanks hitting you at high speed at the same time, it'd pretty much blow you to pieces.

Ado and Habib thought that stealing from people was good, but then they stole the wrong box. In the end, you can say that they were…boxed in.

**Way to Die #691**

**Boxed In**

**000**

Date: September 19, 2002

Location: Anderson, South Carolina

Meet Leonard, or what others might call him, tour schmuck. All he does all day is either sleep, stuff his face, or give tours to tourists. "Alright, this rock was stepped on by Christopher Columbus in 1367, now moving on…" stated Leonard. "I thought Columbus came here in 1492", said an elderly tourist. "Listen grandma, I don't have time for facts, so shut the hell up so I finish this tour", said Leonard rudely.

Justin Woods (Tour Guide): "Tour guides are people who enjoy giving factual and valuable information to the people who like and deserve it. If the tour guide is not following the correct path or giving the right information, you can get lost really easily."

Today, Leonard decided that it would be a good idea to take some tourists to the top of a mountain for the tour, but he was actually planning to leave them there so he could go back to sleep. "How much farther?" asked a tired tourist. "Not much further, just come on", laughed Leonard as the made it up another rock pile. (Sighs) Doesn't seeing someone like this make you wish they were dead?

(Log falls on him, making Leonard plummet to the bottom of the mountain)

What Leonard didn't see was that there was a loose log sticking out from the rocks. As he took another step, karma, in the shape on a 300 pound log put an end to his madness.

Günter Boulvegese (Professional Mountain Climber): Climbing a mountain is a very difficult and dangerous activity. There are many different hazards that you have to watch out for: falling rocks, mountain lions, and especially logs. Logs can fall on you and you may never be able to get p.

That wasn't the case with Leonard, the log hit him at a high speed with enough force to break his ribs, puncture his heart, and kill him before he hit the ground.

Leonard was a sleazebag tour guide with sleep and peace on his mind, but when it came to logs…he sure liked it rough.

**Way to Die # 334**

**Log Offed**


End file.
